Wow, where am I? Lets see...

Ok, much time has passed since my last post. I've gone up and down with my fight against porn. I've had an amazing last week though that has kind of started me in a better direction. Two weeks ago, I was 'in' pornography. I was going daily and I was masutrbating to it daily. It was horrible. Then I said, no more. At church the pastor gave a 'one week challenge' to get closer to God and to not partake of your biggest sin in your life. I managed to go a week and it was great. I then spent just a couple minutes ruining the progress of that week, but I'm starting fresh... again. :(

I'm selling my computer to a friend and will purposefully not buy a computer all summer to stay away from porn for sure.

I really feel changed, but not changed. I'm so glad the few people reading this blog have made so many achievements, my congrats to you! I wish I could have been right alongside you, but we all progress at different stages. Looking back now and back when I started this blog, I have changed... for the better. I do not look nearly as often, nor do I feel the actual urge to look. I'm slowly replacing pornography with God, one slow step at a time.

Praying for all addicts.

Anger, frustration, a new resolve.

My title kind of says it all. Since my last post, I have gone in and out of porn sites... Where every other day I might without really thinking it through just go to a porn site. Not too dwell there or masturbate but just to go quickly get excited, remember oops dangit I should stop. And I would stop.

I haven't felt like posting my failures because I feel dumb that I can't go further than a couple days lately. Well since, lets see... Wednesday I think, I have not looked at any porn, I have not masturbated or anything. I was feeling great.

Today I blew it all again. Read some erotic literature (don't know why but this really turns me on), and looked at a few porn images.

I feel ver desensitezed right now and I'm really upset. I'm soon going to be selling my computer in hopes of upgrading. I won't upgrade for the whole summer though that way I can't get easy access to porn. I want to be able to finish up my last weeks in April and the month of May strong! I really know I can do it.

Please offer a prayer for me! I feel very defeated right now. I keep telling myself, after this summer I won't have the temptation and I should look at porn now while I "can". Which is so wrong of me.

Anyway, I am not giving up. This is one of those things that I will never really give up, I will become defeated as I already have been (alot too I might add!), but I will fight that defeat and press on for a porn-free life.

God bless.

Thoughts on my failure... (april 1st cont.)

Just a continuation of my last post...

Just wanted too add something kind of neat.

When I was looking at the porn it wasn't exciting... Like let me explain- it was still satisfying- BUT it was also kind of like- whhhy am I doing this? There isn't any point in this.

So I'm staring at the screen liking what I see, but at the same time going- this is not at all what I'm into.

I think its a combination of emotional and physical desire. My emotional desire remembers when I was looking at it and just wasl oving it -- now my emotional look on it is one that does not like it- so it makes it not as desireable. My physical desire is strong as ever though.

Ok maybe that didn't make sense... it made sense when I was thinking about it :P.

18 Days + failure

Well- long time since I've posted... Its been a great past 18 days-- up until now.

It was a laid back morning this morning and yep... You guessed it, I messed up.

I'm glad that I'm not having troubles like every other day / day... but it still ticks me off that I can't quit fully. Anyway starting April 2nd I want too go for the whole month of April... and further ;).

And no, this is not some sick April fools joke... I'm ticked right now..

Reason for Failure? -----> Self-pity and self-deception... You've gone such a 'long' time without looking at it... why not look at some? You don't have too look at much? You should feel sad from being away from it for so long... Why not just a quick look? etc... Those were the questions and feelings going through my mind this morning.

Anyway. There it is. I did make it till April- the whole month of March with NO failures, no bikini images, no staring at models, no reading anything. Truly great feeling to be so 'normal'... well then again so many people do it... so is it abnormal not too? Hmmm

Good luck guys who read this blog!

God bless you and I am hoping to go all of April... and beyond hopefully :)

Oh my gosh... why?

Gah, really mad with myself. I know its only 4 days, but maybe thats partly why I'm so mad. I was doing GREAT up untill like 20 minutes ago and then I just was like hmmm I'm bored. So bam I turned the computer on and looked at like two pages of Google images of some nudity. Its like what the heck? 

I quickly closed it of course... I felt horrible... Now I'm writing this. 

Its very frustrating. 

These next two weeks I won't really have time too look at pornography though, so that will be good. :) But its amazing how one can make time even if there is none -_-. 

So yep... Well... Starting again. 

March 13, 2009 <--- Friday <--- failed. 

I want to go until at least April and beyond but right now I'm setting my sights on April. That is only 18 days away. I know its possible. 18 days is nothing. I should easily do that. I just am too busy and too much too do to be wasting time on pornography. Plus its other bad side affects. I really need to change. I want myself to be a new man, a Godly man, a man that God can say, well done good and faithful. Well done.

'

*EDIT*

I want too add, I am going to try to avoid the use of computer, change where my computer is too  more centralized locaation. So I hopefully won't be posting. 

So until I post, I'm doing well :). If I post it will be because I failed or I'm just doing really well! :D 

So untill then, good luck. 

(Note, I considered not telling you guys... but then I realized the only person I'd be lying too is myself and thats not the way to quit!) 

Day 4

So well this week has gone amazingly fast and good. Monday I messed up, its Friday morning today. Tuesday-Thursday went fine, and am on Friday now and feel like I'm going strong. 

It sucks to start over, but I just gotta keep going and put this sin behind me! Stay strong readers.

God bless. 

The Sickening Aftermath

Why?! Why me? Those are the questions that are continually floating around in my mind. 

I just could not get the thoughts of sex, nudity and all that out of my mind... So on Day 22 I failed and looked at a few sex / nudity pictures for about 10 minutes. 

I just feel so sick right now... So incredibly beaten.... defeated... empty. There is no joy in this sin. For a brief instance there is, but it does not last. It is not rewarding! You have a brief euphoria of feelings and true happiness, but it is so temporal. It does not last... at all!

The feelings I feel right now are of just absolute emptiness. I just wonder, why does this have to happen to me? What is the point of this Lord? Why is that my normally very logical, thoughtful, kind, respectful mind is being brought to this level of immorality and sinful lust? 

Why can I not just say no? Why is it so addicting? 

Very frustrating to say the least. 

One 'good' point in all of this was that for once, in looking at it, I got shaky and felt very bad the whole time (similar to how I was when I first started looking a year back). I have not felt that shakey-ness or un-calm in such a long time. It was great to see that my body does not find it natural. Well its probably more excitement and I guess thats good too because it shows that I am not so desensitized to it anymore. 

Anyway, another 'good' thing is that I did not go to any porn sites. I went to Google image search and only looked at a few pages... But fact remains, I messed up. 

Gah, just very frustrating. 

One of the biggest things that I find annoying, is I have never downloaded videos, well for that matter never looked at porn vids period, I haven't spent hours doing it... Its always been very short maybe once a day 'periods'... And like why its so hard for me is surprising. I figured I shouldn't have a problem coming away from this considering I am so much 'less' of an addict than many others who struggle. 

Well there are my random thoughts. I'm not giving up. Never. I will start again afresh tomorrow. 

Day 21

At least I think its day 21, somewhere around there. 

Well I've been doing well - for the most part.

I've come close a few times, searching google images for provocative thigns like cheerleaders, bikini, models etc... And well that has kind of brought back the 'ole' memories and lusts. 

I did see a couple nude pictures but unlike many times before, I did not dwell nor did I start going to a porn site. It was just meh nudity and then moooving on. 

I'm not going to say I broke my streak, I have come close but nothing like going to a porn site, seeing sex, reading about it, watching it etc. 

So for the most part I'm happy. (and the above time where I saw nudity was just once by the way). 

If you think I should start over though, definitely tell me. :-).

I've been busy, and will be busy this upcoming week, really busy this upcoming week... So it should be good. But I also struggle when I am busy too because I get stressed and resort to porn. 

Its a difficult thing to get out of my mind. I really hate why we are attracted to girls! *sigh*

God has a plan in it all.

Day 17

Long time no post. But I think that is a good sign in some ways. 

I have completed 16 days of solid time away from pornography. This is the longest I have gone without pornography- whilst still using the computer on a regular basis / and or turning away from an urge! Its really amazing to see the change in my life from it. I am overall happier, more content, better in my work life, and gentler with family and friends. I do not feel the need to hide what I am doing on the computer, I can feel quite open about others being on the computer and not worrying about -did I erase my history and such. 

Its really great, but what I want to do is to remind myself, I have a weakness for porn, I have found that out over the past 8 months or so as I have struggled and culminated into this blog. 

I want to remind myself on Day 17 that I still am weak, that I can't become overconfident and that I still want to never go back to porn, I want to be a new man and I want to never have to struggle with this problem again. 

I think part of my success is just staying busy with work, friends, and avoiding lustful thoughts / masturbation. So that is all good! 

Anyway, I am continuing to pray for you if you struggle with this. 

God bless. 

Day 7

Just a quick note, 

week 1 went great! 

On day 6 (saturday), I had some temptations and even found myself looking at some bikini pictures, but this is still great for me. No actual porn during the week! 

One whole week went really quite easily, just stayed busy and said no. So I'm very happy. This is the first time I thinkt hat I've really gone successfully while having internet access to say no to temptations. It's great. This is a big step in the right direction. 

I'll keep praying for you if your in my prediciment!  

Day 4

Day 4 went great! I didn't even feel any temptations, it was just so good. I can't wait till thats how my life is all the time! 

Day 5- I am in the process of completing day 5, its going great so far. I'm really busy today so I don't think I will have any problems- but you never know.

I really want to make it too one week at least, its been awhile since I've gone a week, while having interenet access / oppurtunities / temptations. 

I really am continuing to pray for all of you, and for myself, to walk in step with the spirit and take it in strides. I know this is possible, I just need to take it in small steps. 

I've been working out a lot and thats been helping me keep my mind off this problem. 

I feel so amazing not giving in daily. Whenever I give in I feel horrible, I feel defeated, I feel sick, recently I've just been feeling happier, and closer to God. Its wonderful! 

God bless

Day 2

Day 2 went well other than what I said yesterday... after my - very close - failure, I stopped and turned the computer off right away- so in the end it was fine! Yeh! 

Day 3 so far has gone well... Lots of work that is keeping me busy...

Staying busy helps, helps fight that feeling of 'something is missing'... 

Triggers-

What are your triggers? Understand and know your triggers that way you can turn away. 

For me it can be anything from a skimpy-ly dressed girl, too seeing/hearing the word porn... it gets me thinking that direction, and when that happens its hard to say no... Yesterday I saw some girls in bikini's and body paint, close to nudity, I know, it was SO hard to say no because I was this close *holds up fingers*... 

So when you have a trigger that triggers you into those thoughts, try to avoid them! If you can't try to learn other ways that when you are confronted with a trigger to get your mind off it and change! 

God bless! Looking forward to a good day 3 :) 

Strong Temptations, passed :)

I just had HUGE temptations awhile back too look... Heres how it happened:

I went onto Amazon.com and well one of the things on their front page was Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition, with a gorgeous babe on the front cover... anyways, I was like what can be the problem in looking at a swimsuit picture... can't be much bad in that, right? Well I looked, read some reviews, mainly trying to think up reasons why I should go look at porn... 

I then went to google image search and searched sports illustrated body-paint (one of the things listed on the amazon site)... was quite pleased to see pretty girls, but was upset at not seeing really 'anything' just... them... just the faces... not enough 'skin'... Anyway I was kind of annoyed with that, and started to go for hard core stuff... then I put my hand up. thought for a second, and closed my browser. 

I'm so thankful God gave me the strenght, I'm only on day two and I would have felt EXTREMELY discouraged if I had looked. I doubt I'll look tonight because I'm going to be shutting down soon... So, I wish you all luck, thank you for your prayers, you and every other porn addict is in mine. 

"Fight the good fight"

Have you told someone?

Have You told someone? 

I think this is the most important part in recovery... telling your best friends, your pastor, your parents, your spouse... anyone who you see / talk with often. I've told a frew of my good friends and people I see on a day to daily basis, they help me keep accountable, they pray with/for me, and help me in my process of changing. 

It might seem daunting too do, but I think it is important if you can! I hope if you haven't, you'll have the strength and courage to do so in the near future! 

Day 1

Day 1- extremely successful. No temptations no giving in! It was great.

I feel so amazingly good when I don't give in! I just feel more happy, more at spirit, not like I'm hiding anything. The best parts in my life are when I'm not engaging in my addiction! And why do I still like the stuff? I mean really, whats wrong with us? Well that led me to some research this morning:

Onto Day 2- How I am doing so far, and some information :) 

Scientifically, porn is quite addictive: taken from: http://www.reuniting.info/science/three_myths_about_porn

 (It refers to evolution - which I disagree with - but regardless, it has a lot of sound scientific evidence and is quite interesting... makes me feel a bit better knowing that there is some psychological and physiological problems with us males... not an excuse though ;)) 

QOUTE: 

MYTH TWO: “There’s no scientific evidence that porn is addictive.”

The tobacco companies long used the "no scientific evidence" argument to defend against the overwhelming circumstantial evidence that cigarettes were lethal. However, the “no scientific evidence” argument is not a sound argument where there has not been much in-depth study.

The potential addictiveness of porn has not yet been studied in depth (in part because sex research is out of favor here in the States), but there is much circumstantial evidence that points to porn’s addictiveness, and much science that indirectly explains why it would be. The fact that not everyone who uses porn uses it to a point where it interferes with his life doesn’t prove it cannot cause addiction. Not everyone who uses alcohol becomes an alcoholic, yet alcohol is unquestionably potentially addictive. The point is that wherever one steps onto the “porn slope,” it is a slope, and it has the potential to lure one into a mighty addiction. (Accounts of withdrawal symptoms.)

To see why, let’s first consider what addiction is. There’s a tendency in literature about addiction to divide addiction into ‘substance addiction,’ such as a cocaine habit, and ‘behavioral addiction,’ such as gambling. Yet science doesn’t completely understand the physical mechanisms of addiction, and this distinction is illusory. Gambling can clearly become an addiction, and it doesn't involve ingesting a substance. So can porn, and for the same neurochemical reason.

Any addiction is a learned behavior that activates the reward circuitry of the brain (much of which is located in the limbic system). There certain behaviors and substances stimulate the production of dopamine, the craving neurochemical.³

However, addiction is not just about the highs. Over time, an addiction creates a chronic lowering of dopamine levels (or, possibly, decreased receptor sensitivity to dopamine). This sense that "something is missing" is the basis of addictive cravings. At the same time, the addict experiences a much higher than average response to triggers related to his particular learned behavior (such as an alcoholic walking into a bar). In other words, his overall state seems to be flattened (due to abnormally low dopamine, perhaps brought on by over-stimulation), while his reaction to triggers related to his addiction is more pronounced. This may be because such triggers signal an opportunity for relief from the misery of low dopamine.

In short, the brain doesn’t have individual brain circuits for cocaine use, alcohol consumption, gambling, porn use, and so on. Rather there is reward circuitry in the brain, which can become activated, depending upon a person’s learned behaviors. Anything that activates this circuitry intensely is potentially addictive.

Unlike porn addiction, gambling (another behavioral addiction) has been studied in some depth, using brain imaging. Both gambling and cocaine use activate the same portions of the brain, even though one is a behavioral and one a substance addiction. An interesting aspect of that research is that heavy cocaine users prove to be less sensitive than the average person to visual cues for ordinary sexual stimulation.⁴

Is it possible that porn addicts (who are often confronted with highly-stimulating violent or shocking images) also grow less responsive to ordinary sexual stimulation? At least one porn user thinks so:

I think there is a correlation between porn viewing and erectile dysfunction. I am sure that if a study were actually done with honest men, we would see significant results. This is the type of issue people don't talk about. However, I think the porn industry is causing a huge problem in relationships and society in general. The porn industry takes advantage of the uninformed public by charging for the porn. Then the pharmaceutical companies sell us drugs to treat the side effects.

Interestingly, the Chinese Taoists noticed long ago that orgasm is potentially addictive. They believed it depleted one's physical reserves while having the opposite effect on sexual desire.⁵

After an immediate postcoital letdown, there is a rapid psychological rebound and an intensification of erotic interest [and wet dreams].

This insight also suggests a cure for sexual addiction: "When the ching is full, one is free of lustful thoughts." In other words, when one avoids setting off feelings of depletion (low dopamine), one's sexual frustration declines.

Making porn more addictive

It should be apparent that just as gambling is related to the evolutionary reward for “successful hunting and gathering,” porn addiction is related to the reward for “successfully engaging in fertilization behavior.” (Both the search for food/wealth and the desire for sex are driven by the reward circuitry of the brain.⁶) Of the two activities, the second is likely more important from an evolutionary perspective. Unlike ‘gathering,’ which may serve to attract potential mates (and aids survival), sexual stimulation has the direct potential for passing on one’s genes (an organism's reason for being, from an evolutionary perspective). In short, it is likely that from a brain-design perspective, porn is potentially an even more addictive activity than gambling.

Dutch scientist Holstege used brain imaging to view the effects of ejaculation on the brain and discovered that the brain images were reminiscent of brain scans of those shooting heroin. His conclusion? We’re all sex addicts. It is only when we can successfully harness the more analytical part of the brain that we can control our sexual desire.⁷

Alas, porn producers see it as their job to insure that a porn user does not engage the analytical part of his brain. One way they do this is to use imagery that raises testosterone levels in the viewer. Testosterone tends to make one more lustful (testosterone raises dopamine, the craving neurochemical), more irascible, and less fully in control.⁸ Said one female-to-male transsexual who took testosterone in connection with a sex change,

I felt like I had to have sex once a day or I would die. ... I was into porn as a girl, but now I'm really into porn.

Porn images naturally raise testosterone, but domination themes increase it even more – perhaps because males are “rewarded” for striving for the alpha male position in a tribe, troop, or other group. Whatever the reason, the result is that domination themes in porn are as calculated as lacing cigarettes with extra nicotine; they make porn more addictive. (So are "risky" or "shocking" themes like anal sex and underage encounters. Both register as "super-stimulation" because of their shock value.)

It also appears that men have greater vulnerability to highly stimulating addictions. In a 2006 study men released markedly more dopamine than women in response to amphetamine.⁹ This helps explain why stimulating activities such as watching sports, off-track betting and violent porn hook men so easily.

It seems that evolution favored selection of the genes that encourage men to pursue things. Once upon a time those things were primarily game, status, territory and mates. Today's pursuits include ever-present “opportunities” such as video games, betting, porn-induced orgasms. Men are programmed to pursue something. If they aren’t out on the savanna, they will seek stimulation elsewhere. The traits that served our ancestors are now creating distorted outcomes, such as corporate greed (think of Rupert Murdoch) and invading Iraq.

This characteristic suggests that those who wish to recover from porn addiction need to keep themselves very busy and/or engage in a practice that promotes inner equilibrium, such as meditation, tai chi, sacred sexuality, and so forth.

Regaining balance

So what can men do? Here’s a report of a study that suggests that moderation protects the brain's vulnerable reward system.¹⁰ When scientists fed rats sugar in a “binge pattern,” they found that within 10 days the rats had a measurable addiction to sugar. If they didn’t get it on schedule, they demonstrated actual physical withdrawal symptoms, such as tremors, chattering teeth and anxiety. The scientists equated that those symptoms with lower-than-usual dopamine levels (brought about by higher-than-usual levels when the rats were bingeing on sugar). The scientists noted that:

"Without these neurotransmitters, the animal begins to feel anxious and wants to eat sweet food again."

The rats exhibited behavioral changes even when sugar was replaced with the artificial sweetener saccharin. "It appears to be the sweetness, more than the calories, that fuels sugar dependence," says Hoebel.

Although researchers still don't understand how people can curb their sugar cravings, they do know that withdrawal symptoms and dips in dopamine levels aren't evident when meals are moderate and regularly scheduled.

These rats showed an addiction and withdrawal response to a substance as harmless, and indeed vital to existence, as sugar. (Sugars are present even in fruits, vegetables and grains.) It is the excess, not the substance, that sets up the potential for addiction.

Sex is as natural as sugar, but when we use it in a binge pattern, as many porn users do, then it has the potential for addiction. In one afternoon at the computer a man can view a cornucopia of erotica - more visual erotica than a hunter-gatherer ancestor would have seen in a lifetime. In short, a single afternoon of porn constitutes a binge from the primitive part of the brain’s perspective. Also note that the rats reacted to saccharine as if it were real sugar. Reward circuitry doesn't seem to be able to evaluate the differences between junk food sex and sex with a close, trusted companion, even though the latter has greater potential for a lasting sense of satisfaction.¹¹

Finally, here’s a bit more science that points to why the cycle of high-dopamine-followed-by-low-dopamine can distort a porn user's thinking and leave him vulnerable to addiction. In 2006 scientists artificially lowered people’s dopamine levels and then tested them psychologically.¹² Like addicts, they had difficulty resisting short-term rewards, despite long-term negative consequences. The control group, whose dopamine levels had not been lowered, had no such problems. The scientists described the affected subjects as suffering from

poor emotion-based decision making, characterized by shortsightedness, and thus difficulties resisting short-term reward, despite long-term negative consequences.

Again, intense over-stimulation of the reward center can lead to a drop off of dopamine, leaving one susceptible to the addiction cycle. Whether science formally labels the result an addiction, the underlying risk remains. The design of our brain's reward circuitry leaves us highly vulnerable to today's flood of junk food and junk visuals like porn. Both can affect us in a way that decreases our free will.

Withdrawal symptoms

Before leaving the issue of whether porn is addictive, let's consider these experiences:

• A hundred porn viewers genuinely tried to stop viewing porn for two weeks. Over half were honest enough to admit that they failed.¹³
• "My ex told me that he knew porn was an "addiction" for him. He used that term, and he said he wanted to stop and that because he couldn't porn had "ruined his life." He also showed me a scar from masturbating to the point of bleeding because he was unable to stop. 
  He said porn made him want to cheat all the time, and made him constantly fantasize about "nasty" sex with strangers, and young (teen) girls. The girls on some sites he viewed were so young that they did not yet have breasts.
  Pornography lead him to seek out in real life the graphic sex he was viewing online, and he ended up seeking escorts because of the ads that went along with the porn. He was also soliciting underage girls advertising their "adult" services online. He would ask them to participate in the illicit activities he'd seen online. He increasingly wanted to do what he saw, and he began treating all women like they were "submissive" (a big buzz word in porn and escorts ads) objects, including me.
  He would become agitated, irritable and mean when he could not look at porn because I was home, and he would become so angry and abusive due to frustration that I would unwittingly give him what he wanted by leaving. He would also abandon me places and run home and get online. He routinely had unprotected sex too - not thinking of reality or consequences like abortion, and STDs.
  I have spoken to many guys in various forums who claim that their main problem with porn is that they cannot stop even when they want to."¹⁴
  NOTE: If your partner is abusive due to porn use, and unwilling to heal his dependence, realize that you did not cause it, you cannot control it, and you cannot cure it. The first step is his, and you are not obliged to stick around until he takes that step. Often addicts can be helped best by hitting bottom as swiftly as possible. Your departure may help him awaken to what is actually going on in his life.
• 'Now that he's stopped looking at pornographic websites, Josh's body is suffering from withdrawal symptoms. For the last two weeks, Josh says he's been getting headaches and feeling irritable and anxious. "You wouldn't expect this because, you think, 'It's material that you choose to look at,'" he says. "But, I mean, drugs are things that you choose to take." '¹⁵
• "I'd like to stress that undergoing this cleansing process is not easy and as with most addictions, abruptly putting a stop to it results in some sort of withdrawal syndrome. I don’t know if anyone can relate to this but in protest to the discontinued sensual stimulation induced by porn, my body reacts by: vomiting, muscular tremors, profuse sweating, indigestion, constipation, the urge to throw rocks at passing cars, and death. Well not really death but something really close to it."¹⁶

I found this all extremely interesting... Going to the website has more information, and two other such 'myths'. Its interesting. 

I'm doing well today for the most part... I guess researching about porn addiction online can become dangerous in itself because your opening your mind to search engines and such... I try to stay away from Google thse days ;) I even changed it so my homepage isn't Google anymore and not another search engine. 

I'm just focusing on one day at a time. According to the article, it is when you start feeling sorry for yourself and you want to have that fulfilment part of the brain fulfilled- in our cases, porn. So if I can fulfill myself with other things, maybe start a new hobby and do it DAILY for an hour a day or something to really engrain that I don' twant that old 'porn hobby' I want a new hobby. I want something else, I want to change.

I think I can do it, I know I can. I will do it. With Gods help I know I can!

"Lord, I surrender myself too you, I know that I am at fault, I know that I want to change, give me the strength through your Holy Spirit and help me in ways I never imagined! Help me to change Lord through your strength and to give you all the glory! Amen."

God Bless. 

And remember- if worse comes to worse we can always just take the keys off our keyboards:

Defeat

I feel pretty dumb about saying this, but today I messed up. I don't get it, I know so much about tthis problem, I understand my weaknesses and I totally have made up ideas to help me stay away from it and save myself. I just find this so difficult. Its really bothering me right now, mainly because in the heat of it, I just gave in and said nah who cares... Who cares... Why do I have to be 'good' why can't I just do what so many other guys my age do and enjoy myself... who cares... 

These lies decieved me. I feel quite bad right now about messing up. 

I need to take heart though, because its not over, I'm still here and I still have a strong motivation to quit. Sure, I messed up today, but that doesn't mean that I can't be strong tomorrow, and the day after. I need to make sure I don't get discouraged, because THAT is where problems arise. 

I read an interesting devotional, it was quite short, but I won't put it up here- 

The basics of it were this though:

The only way we can work through our sin and overcome it, is through God, and by the Holy Spirits power. But for God to help us, we have to fully commit our minds to him and to fully give our problem up too him and fully believe in His forgiveness, if we ask for it. I think that I am guilty of not really believe that God has forgiven me, and because of that it keeps Him and me apart from each other. Apart from each other through porn. Its really distressing actually to think about. The biggest problem in my life is keeping me from growing closer with the best thing in life. 

Anyway, I'm looking forward to tomorrow to go through another day, and to fight this, and to hopefully give myself up to God, day in and day out starting now. Realising my weaknesses is important, but not as important as fully commiting myself to Christ, and letting His power work in me, because that will not save me. I don't think that I can beat this with sheer willpower alone, I have a lot of that for other things, but this... this I need a higher power to help me.

I want to be able to look into His eyes, one day in Heaven, and for him to say to me "Well done, good and faithful servant!" (Matthew 25:23 NIV). I won't hear these words unless I give this up. You won't hear those words unless you give it up. No matter what we can do, we will be kept at bay from a deeper relationship with God with this problem in our life. 

God bless you guys, stay strong, hopefully my words here have helped in some way.

~continuing to fight. 

Day 1

Day 1 ended well. 

I didn't have really any temptations or problems, I just ignroed the thoughts. It went fine though.

Today started out a bit tough. Also this morning I confessed my problem to a friend that I see daily- that way I have another step of accountability. So I'm hoping with building up a network of people that I can learn to trust and build myself a firm base for quitting. 

I started thinking, what is porn? Sounds strange doesn't it? But I came to this conclusion:

Porn is anything that excites us sexually, that is not actually sex, and something that we will go out of our way to see, or intentianlly look at. Like if I were to be going to a website, and for some reason that website had a bad add, if I closed the site, I would not consider that porn. If I dwelt in that add with pornographic images, then yes that would be looking at porn. Otherwise its not. 

I also think, going on with my last post, that reading about it is just as bad as porn. Maybe even worse because although a picture says a thousand words, stories can be engrained in our minds and our imaginations can take over, adapting those stories to yourself and even worse, potentially the people around you as you think about these little sexual fantasies.

Another thing in my battle is not so much pornography, but more masturbation.

I think that masturbation, being a chemical natural process, feels so good that it helps engrain that you 'need' porn on a day to day basis to get that sexual high from orgasm. 

I think that if I didn't masturbate for a long time, I wouldn't be thinking sexual thoughts, but also- I think that the urges to 'need' masturbation would be higher.

So I think in my instance the two play off each other. Masturbation = porn, porn = masturbation for me. My body likes getting more excited, from the porn, so the masturbation feels better. One without the other doesn't do it for me anymore... Which is bad. So I need to quit both instead of continuing with masturbation, just without porn. 

Maybe that doesn't make sense- but origionally I thought, porn is my only problem. I think masturbation is bad, at least for the most part, and that I need to quit both because regardless of how much I was able to convince myself origionally that it was fine. Its not fine because I am always thinking of hot girls when I masturbate- which fuels the thoughts for actually seeing them...

Thanks for reading my random thoughts! God bless

Day 15

This is kind of day 15 for me... Will explain.

My  last post was on January 28- today is February 12. Quite awhile since I've posted :)... 

Anyway, I posted two days before my trip, and on the day before my trip, I looked at two images and closed my browser. Really a dissapointment. But it was a failure. I thought about 'lying' and saying I was doing great, but what is that going to prove? All I am doing is lying too you and to myself, and it won't help me quit! 

Then I got back after a long time... I had some pretty intense temptations or rather getting a bit upset I couldn't look at anything but was glad I didn't have access :). I got back and didn't have any trouble the first day being home. The second day I had temptations and started thinking, erotic literature (sex stories)... thats not porn, is it? Well I convinced myself it wasn't and read like two stories just to get a sexual high... 

Anyway I've decided my brain loves that excitement and the feeling that I get from looking / reading / thinking. 

I was thinking that I wouldn't count reading about sex as looking at it. But I decided, its just another form to fulfill my 'want' and 'lust' for the thoughts and feelings. 

So I'll count this as day 1 if I can successfuly not look / read anything. I will also write every morning, after completing a full day. I generally don't have any problems in the evenings, but that is because I don't use the computer in the evenings. So that helps. 

Hmm this post isn't very coherant. lol 

To sum it up-

1) I have decided reading about sex, is just as bad as looking at it.

2) That means I failed and am starting over after 14 successful days. 

3) I'm aiming for 10 days free now. 

I have decided I will make, easier, simpler steps to fighting this. Instead of just saying 'I'm done' 'never again'. While those are somewhat true, and hopeful, its unreasonable. I know I'll fail and I kind of say well it doesn't matter, to heck with it, and I look. I need to change my thinking and become a totally different person overall. 

I plan on doing 10 days without looking, and just set a goal to mentally not look. I will write in the morning about my goals for that day, and how I did the day before. 

After my 10 days, which I hope I can achieve (I mean, c'mon, its 10 days, it can't be that hard). I want to go for another 10 days. So on and so forth. Making it a bit of a contest to just keep going without anything... 

In like 5 months I'm changing my life, I'm moving, going to be going to a different school etc etc, and I want to change by then. 

I know that during all that hecticness I won't have time and won't want to look. I'll just be in so much movement and so many new things to take in that I won't struggle. But I know that eventually it will come to a time where I will struggle, I want to be able to say, no! I want to be able to say, no matter what the situation, no matter how tempting, I can say no! God you have a plan for me, I've already witnessed it in my life, help me defeat this.

Day 1

Success. I didn't have any temptations and it went smoothe. I'm going to be leaving town and won't have internet access for like 10 days ^_^ which will be great. 

Not much time to post. Maybe more later. 

Well, defeat, starting again, haven't posted?

I feel kind of bad I haven't posted recently- then again, I wonder if anyone even reads this? :)

Then again, its more of something for myself to keep me accountable... 

About accountability- I do have partners that help me ;)

I kind of am wondering if it is even possible to quit? I mean I know it is, but I just feel so defeated. 

Today it started out normally- I went the weekend without anything but just kind of like failed today. I kind of go for a couple days fall back into it. 

To me that is a definition of an addiction ;). I'm starting a new workout program- 90 whole days of it- I'm thinking maybe every day I do the program I can't look at porn- hopefully it will help set me on the right track. :) 

Confidence... it can be dangerous

Confidence can be extremely dangerous, I found that out today. 

When I woke up, I didn't even do my normal thinking about the day and thinking about how I will stay away from porn. Well that silly unfounded confidence brought me down. It has been four days since I last looked, and I find that pretty pathetic that I can't go for longer. 

So what did I learn about January the 16, 2009's failure? Not to be over confident. 

And that brings me to another question, is it a failure, or just another step in overcoming this deadly addiction? I think its a bit of both. I learn from my mistakes, I feel beaten down, I feel horrible, but after I start thinking about what I did wrong I feel restored, I feel renewed with a new passion and vigor to beat this disease. 

Some thoughts,

I think what needs to be understood about pornography, is that there are several steps in giving it up. I have come to realise the steps that I need to follow, purely by trial and error, and some help from reading 'guides' and just plain speculation. 

Step 1) 

Acknowledge. Most importantly, you have to realise that it is a problem in your life, and that it is not a natural part in life. You have to also realize that it is an addiction. For instance, in my 'worst' I would look at it maybe 10-20 minutes a day. That's nothing compared to the addicts that look for hours at a time. But what makes an addiction an addiction, is if you can't stop. People say, oh only 10 minutes? That's natural. No its not. I feel horrible from it, I feel burdened and dirty. And no matter how 'little' or 'lot' you look, if you can't stop on a will basis, then you have a problem. I can't stop, I have tried again and again and I always wind up looking again. 

Those images stain your identity and your mind, it hurts. You try to cover it up- causing lies, deceit, all of which are wrong. 

Step 2) 

Throw it out. A very important step also. Throw it our right now! Get rid of it. If you have magazines, burn em. If you have saved videos or pictures on your computer, delete and then delete again. If you have saved bookmarks, delete em. 

Step 3) 

Maybe even more important than step 2, but this step is get accountability. I have several friends that I talk too about my problem and they help keep me accountable. This is such an important step. You NEED to tell someone about your problem if you want to quit. 

Step 4) 

Fill the void. Find something else that you can occupy yourself with. For some people its sports, video games, friends etc.. You need to start realising that porn does not fill the void that it is trying to fill. For me, I am trying to fill a void that can only be filled by God. I desperately want a deeper relationship with Him, and I am trying to fill it with porn, I think it is the same with many guys. Maybe a bit strange to think about, but I honestly think that. 

Step 5)

Recovery. You have to start realising that there is more to life than the images you look at. I cannot stress how important this is. You have to get to a point that you are confronted with a 'porn chance' and effectively turn away and choose something different. At that point, it will become easier and easier to turn away. 

Ok enough for my 'steps'. 

Porn is one of those things that you cannot break free of without some serious commitment. It is way too easy to say that, man those girls, gotta get back to them... It is amazingly hard to stop. It is amazing how deep rooted pornography becomes in our lives. Our 'secret' times. 

I have heard people talk about 'sheltering' yourself and keeping 'busy', and that is the way out of porn. It isn't. I have kept extremely busy, had a filter, made sure I never went on the Internet when no one else was home, you eventually fall back in after several weeks, even months of time away. 

Quitting porn is not simply staying away from it. It is developing that brain 'muscle' that can say NO. It is the realization that there are better things out there, that there is a wife out there waiting for you, that there is a future, and that there is a hope, and a God that loves you and wants you too give it up. 

God loves it when we say no, He is sad when we give in, but he always forgives. We cannot commit a sin that he cannot forgive. But we have to humble ourselves, realize we messed up, and come back to Him and say 'God, I am so so sorry, please forgive me.'. It is the only way that you can quit. I know it is possible.

I have gotten so close to 'quitting'. I get a totally new mindset, I totally believe it is wrong. Then over the course of the day, I get a lie weaved in my mind that eventually leads to falling and having to start all over from square one. I know it is possible though. People looking at me might say, ah he can't quit. But I know I can. Every time I mess up, every morning, is a new chance to start fresh, a new chance to be renewed in Christ and to be loved and to be changed through His power. 

I know its possible. 

First Post...

Hello, welcome to my blog. 

First off I'll start off with some statements. 

1) I am a Christian. This is the my life-line. My Christianity and relationship with Christ gives me strength and gives me hope. Don't mock me for it, I just want too let you know. ;) 

2) I struggle with pornography. That is the whole point of this blog. I am not like some addicts, but it is something in my life that I am ashamed of and am determined to beat. 

3) I believe pornography is wrong. I have my reasons, mainly, it is because I am bowing my knee to an object that has a soul which is idolatry- worshiping something other than God. Looking at pornography, is idolatry, and idolatry is prohibited by God, so in the end its wrong. Also for other reasons, the women in the pornography are in bondage, are exploited, and it is degrading for them. 

That about sums up some of my main thoughts. 

In each of my posts, I will try to post daily, I will talk about my struggles that day, and how I either overcame them or gave into them. 

In my next post, I will write a little bit about what I think about pornography and a few other thoughts before getting into the daily blogs. 

Wish me luck, and say a prayer. My prayers are for those who struggle, and who want to change. 

Change is attainable, I know it is, and I will get there, with Gods help. 

Cheers.