Day 1

Success. I didn't have any temptations and it went smoothe. I'm going to be leaving town and won't have internet access for like 10 days ^_^ which will be great. 

Not much time to post. Maybe more later. 

Well, defeat, starting again, haven't posted?

I feel kind of bad I haven't posted recently- then again, I wonder if anyone even reads this? :)

Then again, its more of something for myself to keep me accountable... 

About accountability- I do have partners that help me ;)

I kind of am wondering if it is even possible to quit? I mean I know it is, but I just feel so defeated. 

Today it started out normally- I went the weekend without anything but just kind of like failed today. I kind of go for a couple days fall back into it. 

To me that is a definition of an addiction ;). I'm starting a new workout program- 90 whole days of it- I'm thinking maybe every day I do the program I can't look at porn- hopefully it will help set me on the right track. :) 

Confidence... it can be dangerous

Confidence can be extremely dangerous, I found that out today. 

When I woke up, I didn't even do my normal thinking about the day and thinking about how I will stay away from porn. Well that silly unfounded confidence brought me down. It has been four days since I last looked, and I find that pretty pathetic that I can't go for longer. 

So what did I learn about January the 16, 2009's failure? Not to be over confident. 

And that brings me to another question, is it a failure, or just another step in overcoming this deadly addiction? I think its a bit of both. I learn from my mistakes, I feel beaten down, I feel horrible, but after I start thinking about what I did wrong I feel restored, I feel renewed with a new passion and vigor to beat this disease. 

Some thoughts,

I think what needs to be understood about pornography, is that there are several steps in giving it up. I have come to realise the steps that I need to follow, purely by trial and error, and some help from reading 'guides' and just plain speculation. 

Step 1) 

Acknowledge. Most importantly, you have to realise that it is a problem in your life, and that it is not a natural part in life. You have to also realize that it is an addiction. For instance, in my 'worst' I would look at it maybe 10-20 minutes a day. That's nothing compared to the addicts that look for hours at a time. But what makes an addiction an addiction, is if you can't stop. People say, oh only 10 minutes? That's natural. No its not. I feel horrible from it, I feel burdened and dirty. And no matter how 'little' or 'lot' you look, if you can't stop on a will basis, then you have a problem. I can't stop, I have tried again and again and I always wind up looking again. 

Those images stain your identity and your mind, it hurts. You try to cover it up- causing lies, deceit, all of which are wrong. 

Step 2) 

Throw it out. A very important step also. Throw it our right now! Get rid of it. If you have magazines, burn em. If you have saved videos or pictures on your computer, delete and then delete again. If you have saved bookmarks, delete em. 

Step 3) 

Maybe even more important than step 2, but this step is get accountability. I have several friends that I talk too about my problem and they help keep me accountable. This is such an important step. You NEED to tell someone about your problem if you want to quit. 

Step 4) 

Fill the void. Find something else that you can occupy yourself with. For some people its sports, video games, friends etc.. You need to start realising that porn does not fill the void that it is trying to fill. For me, I am trying to fill a void that can only be filled by God. I desperately want a deeper relationship with Him, and I am trying to fill it with porn, I think it is the same with many guys. Maybe a bit strange to think about, but I honestly think that. 

Step 5)

Recovery. You have to start realising that there is more to life than the images you look at. I cannot stress how important this is. You have to get to a point that you are confronted with a 'porn chance' and effectively turn away and choose something different. At that point, it will become easier and easier to turn away. 

Ok enough for my 'steps'. 

Porn is one of those things that you cannot break free of without some serious commitment. It is way too easy to say that, man those girls, gotta get back to them... It is amazingly hard to stop. It is amazing how deep rooted pornography becomes in our lives. Our 'secret' times. 

I have heard people talk about 'sheltering' yourself and keeping 'busy', and that is the way out of porn. It isn't. I have kept extremely busy, had a filter, made sure I never went on the Internet when no one else was home, you eventually fall back in after several weeks, even months of time away. 

Quitting porn is not simply staying away from it. It is developing that brain 'muscle' that can say NO. It is the realization that there are better things out there, that there is a wife out there waiting for you, that there is a future, and that there is a hope, and a God that loves you and wants you too give it up. 

God loves it when we say no, He is sad when we give in, but he always forgives. We cannot commit a sin that he cannot forgive. But we have to humble ourselves, realize we messed up, and come back to Him and say 'God, I am so so sorry, please forgive me.'. It is the only way that you can quit. I know it is possible.

I have gotten so close to 'quitting'. I get a totally new mindset, I totally believe it is wrong. Then over the course of the day, I get a lie weaved in my mind that eventually leads to falling and having to start all over from square one. I know it is possible though. People looking at me might say, ah he can't quit. But I know I can. Every time I mess up, every morning, is a new chance to start fresh, a new chance to be renewed in Christ and to be loved and to be changed through His power. 

I know its possible. 

First Post...

Hello, welcome to my blog. 

First off I'll start off with some statements. 

1) I am a Christian. This is the my life-line. My Christianity and relationship with Christ gives me strength and gives me hope. Don't mock me for it, I just want too let you know. ;) 

2) I struggle with pornography. That is the whole point of this blog. I am not like some addicts, but it is something in my life that I am ashamed of and am determined to beat. 

3) I believe pornography is wrong. I have my reasons, mainly, it is because I am bowing my knee to an object that has a soul which is idolatry- worshiping something other than God. Looking at pornography, is idolatry, and idolatry is prohibited by God, so in the end its wrong. Also for other reasons, the women in the pornography are in bondage, are exploited, and it is degrading for them. 

That about sums up some of my main thoughts. 

In each of my posts, I will try to post daily, I will talk about my struggles that day, and how I either overcame them or gave into them. 

In my next post, I will write a little bit about what I think about pornography and a few other thoughts before getting into the daily blogs. 

Wish me luck, and say a prayer. My prayers are for those who struggle, and who want to change. 

Change is attainable, I know it is, and I will get there, with Gods help. 

Cheers.