Anger, frustration, a new resolve.

My title kind of says it all. Since my last post, I have gone in and out of porn sites... Where every other day I might without really thinking it through just go to a porn site. Not too dwell there or masturbate but just to go quickly get excited, remember oops dangit I should stop. And I would stop.

I haven't felt like posting my failures because I feel dumb that I can't go further than a couple days lately. Well since, lets see... Wednesday I think, I have not looked at any porn, I have not masturbated or anything. I was feeling great.

Today I blew it all again. Read some erotic literature (don't know why but this really turns me on), and looked at a few porn images.

I feel ver desensitezed right now and I'm really upset. I'm soon going to be selling my computer in hopes of upgrading. I won't upgrade for the whole summer though that way I can't get easy access to porn. I want to be able to finish up my last weeks in April and the month of May strong! I really know I can do it.

Please offer a prayer for me! I feel very defeated right now. I keep telling myself, after this summer I won't have the temptation and I should look at porn now while I "can". Which is so wrong of me.

Anyway, I am not giving up. This is one of those things that I will never really give up, I will become defeated as I already have been (alot too I might add!), but I will fight that defeat and press on for a porn-free life.

God bless.

Thoughts on my failure... (april 1st cont.)

Just a continuation of my last post...

Just wanted too add something kind of neat.

When I was looking at the porn it wasn't exciting... Like let me explain- it was still satisfying- BUT it was also kind of like- whhhy am I doing this? There isn't any point in this.

So I'm staring at the screen liking what I see, but at the same time going- this is not at all what I'm into.

I think its a combination of emotional and physical desire. My emotional desire remembers when I was looking at it and just wasl oving it -- now my emotional look on it is one that does not like it- so it makes it not as desireable. My physical desire is strong as ever though.

Ok maybe that didn't make sense... it made sense when I was thinking about it :P.

18 Days + failure

Well- long time since I've posted... Its been a great past 18 days-- up until now.

It was a laid back morning this morning and yep... You guessed it, I messed up.

I'm glad that I'm not having troubles like every other day / day... but it still ticks me off that I can't quit fully. Anyway starting April 2nd I want too go for the whole month of April... and further ;).

And no, this is not some sick April fools joke... I'm ticked right now..

Reason for Failure? -----> Self-pity and self-deception... You've gone such a 'long' time without looking at it... why not look at some? You don't have too look at much? You should feel sad from being away from it for so long... Why not just a quick look? etc... Those were the questions and feelings going through my mind this morning.

Anyway. There it is. I did make it till April- the whole month of March with NO failures, no bikini images, no staring at models, no reading anything. Truly great feeling to be so 'normal'... well then again so many people do it... so is it abnormal not too? Hmmm

Good luck guys who read this blog!

God bless you and I am hoping to go all of April... and beyond hopefully :)