Monday 23 February 2009

Day 7

Just a quick note, 

week 1 went great! 

On day 6 (saturday), I had some temptations and even found myself looking at some bikini pictures, but this is still great for me. No actual porn during the week! 

One whole week went really quite easily, just stayed busy and said no. So I'm very happy. This is the first time I thinkt hat I've really gone successfully while having internet access to say no to temptations. It's great. This is a big step in the right direction. 

I'll keep praying for you if your in my prediciment!  

Thursday 19 February 2009

Day 4

Day 4 went great! I didn't even feel any temptations, it was just so good. I can't wait till thats how my life is all the time! 

Day 5- I am in the process of completing day 5, its going great so far. I'm really busy today so I don't think I will have any problems- but you never know.

I really want to make it too one week at least, its been awhile since I've gone a week, while having interenet access / oppurtunities / temptations. 

I really am continuing to pray for all of you, and for myself, to walk in step with the spirit and take it in strides. I know this is possible, I just need to take it in small steps. 

I've been working out a lot and thats been helping me keep my mind off this problem. 

I feel so amazing not giving in daily. Whenever I give in I feel horrible, I feel defeated, I feel sick, recently I've just been feeling happier, and closer to God. Its wonderful! 

God bless

Tuesday 17 February 2009

Day 2

Day 2 went well other than what I said yesterday... after my - very close - failure, I stopped and turned the computer off right away- so in the end it was fine! Yeh! 

Day 3 so far has gone well... Lots of work that is keeping me busy...

Staying busy helps, helps fight that feeling of 'something is missing'... 

Triggers-

What are your triggers? Understand and know your triggers that way you can turn away. 

For me it can be anything from a skimpy-ly dressed girl, too seeing/hearing the word porn... it gets me thinking that direction, and when that happens its hard to say no... Yesterday I saw some girls in bikini's and body paint, close to nudity, I know, it was SO hard to say no because I was this close *holds up fingers*... 

So when you have a trigger that triggers you into those thoughts, try to avoid them! If you can't try to learn other ways that when you are confronted with a trigger to get your mind off it and change! 

God bless! Looking forward to a good day 3 :) 

Monday 16 February 2009

Strong Temptations, passed :)

I just had HUGE temptations awhile back too look... Heres how it happened:

I went onto Amazon.com and well one of the things on their front page was Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition, with a gorgeous babe on the front cover... anyways, I was like what can be the problem in looking at a swimsuit picture... can't be much bad in that, right? Well I looked, read some reviews, mainly trying to think up reasons why I should go look at porn... 

I then went to google image search and searched sports illustrated body-paint (one of the things listed on the amazon site)... was quite pleased to see pretty girls, but was upset at not seeing really 'anything' just... them... just the faces... not enough 'skin'... Anyway I was kind of annoyed with that, and started to go for hard core stuff... then I put my hand up. thought for a second, and closed my browser. 

I'm so thankful God gave me the strenght, I'm only on day two and I would have felt EXTREMELY discouraged if I had looked. I doubt I'll look tonight because I'm going to be shutting down soon... So, I wish you all luck, thank you for your prayers, you and every other porn addict is in mine. 

"Fight the good fight"

Have you told someone?

Have You told someone? 

I think this is the most important part in recovery... telling your best friends, your pastor, your parents, your spouse... anyone who you see / talk with often. I've told a frew of my good friends and people I see on a day to daily basis, they help me keep accountable, they pray with/for me, and help me in my process of changing. 

It might seem daunting too do, but I think it is important if you can! I hope if you haven't, you'll have the strength and courage to do so in the near future! 

Day 1

Day 1- extremely successful. No temptations no giving in! It was great.

I feel so amazingly good when I don't give in! I just feel more happy, more at spirit, not like I'm hiding anything. The best parts in my life are when I'm not engaging in my addiction! And why do I still like the stuff? I mean really, whats wrong with us? Well that led me to some research this morning:


Onto Day 2- How I am doing so far, and some information :) 

Scientifically, porn is quite addictive: taken from: http://www.reuniting.info/science/three_myths_about_porn
 (It refers to evolution - which I disagree with - but regardless, it has a lot of sound scientific evidence and is quite interesting... makes me feel a bit better knowing that there is some psychological and physiological problems with us males... not an excuse though ;)) 

QOUTE: 

MYTH TWO: “There’s no scientific evidence that porn is addictive.”

The tobacco companies long used the "no scientific evidence" argument to defend against the overwhelming circumstantial evidence that cigarettes were lethal. However, the “no scientific evidence” argument is not a sound argument where there has not been much in-depth study.

The potential addictiveness of porn has not yet been studied in depth (in part because sex research is out of favor here in the States), but there is much circumstantial evidence that points to porn’s addictiveness, and much science that indirectly explains why it would be. The fact that not everyone who uses porn uses it to a point where it interferes with his life doesn’t prove it cannot cause addiction. Not everyone who uses alcohol becomes an alcoholic, yet alcohol is unquestionably potentially addictive. The point is that wherever one steps onto the “porn slope,” it is a slope, and it has the potential to lure one into a mighty addiction. (Accounts of withdrawal symptoms.)

To see why, let’s first consider what addiction is. There’s a tendency in literature about addiction to divide addiction into ‘substance addiction,’ such as a cocaine habit, and ‘behavioral addiction,’ such as gambling. Yet science doesn’t completely understand the physical mechanisms of addiction, and this distinction is illusory. Gambling can clearly become an addiction, and it doesn't involve ingesting a substance. So can porn, and for the same neurochemical reason.

Any addiction is a learned behavior that activates the reward circuitry of the brain (much of which is located in the limbic system). There certain behaviors and substances stimulate the production of dopamine, the craving neurochemical.3

Brain changes in addictsHowever, addiction is not just about the highs. Over time, an addiction creates a chronic lowering of dopamine levels (or, possibly, decreased receptor sensitivity to dopamine). This sense that "something is missing" is the basis of addictive cravings. At the same time, the addict experiences a much higher than average response to triggers related to his particular learned behavior (such as an alcoholic walking into a bar). In other words, his overall state seems to be flattened (due to abnormally low dopamine, perhaps brought on by over-stimulation), while his reaction to triggers related to his addiction is more pronounced. This may be because such triggers signal an opportunity for relief from the misery of low dopamine.

In short, the brain doesn’t have individual brain circuits for cocaine use, alcohol consumption, gambling, porn use, and so on. Rather there is reward circuitry in the brain, which can become activated, depending upon a person’s learned behaviors. Anything that activates this circuitry intensely is potentially addictive.

Unlike porn addiction, gambling (another behavioral addiction) has been studied in some depth, using brain imaging. Both gambling and cocaine use activate the same portions of the brain, even though one is a behavioral and one a substance addiction. An interesting aspect of that research is that heavy cocaine users prove to be less sensitive than the average person to visual cues for ordinary sexual stimulation.4

Is it possible that porn addicts (who are often confronted with highly-stimulating violent or shocking images) also grow less responsive to ordinary sexual stimulation? At least one porn user thinks so:

I think there is a correlation between porn viewing and erectile dysfunction. I am sure that if a study were actually done with honest men, we would see significant results. This is the type of issue people don't talk about. However, I think the porn industry is causing a huge problem in relationships and society in general. The porn industry takes advantage of the uninformed public by charging for the porn. Then the pharmaceutical companies sell us drugs to treat the side effects.

porn profits chart from AFA

Interestingly, the Chinese Taoists noticed long ago that orgasm is potentially addictive. They believed it depleted one's physical reserves while having the opposite effect on sexual desire.5

After an immediate postcoital letdown, there is a rapid psychological rebound and an intensification of erotic interest [and wet dreams].

This insight also suggests a cure for sexual addiction: "When the ching is full, one is free of lustful thoughts." In other words, when one avoids setting off feelings of depletion (low dopamine), one's sexual frustration declines.

Making porn more addictive

It should be apparent that just as gambling is related to the evolutionary reward for “successful hunting and gathering,” porn addiction is related to the reward for “successfully engaging in fertilization behavior.” (Both the search for food/wealth and the desire for sex are driven by the reward circuitry of the brain.6) Of the two activities, the second is likely more important from an evolutionary perspective. Unlike ‘gathering,’ which may serve to attract potential mates (and aids survival), sexual stimulation has the direct potential for passing on one’s genes (an organism's reason for being, from an evolutionary perspective). In short, it is likely that from a brain-design perspective, porn is potentially an even more addictive activity than gambling.

Dutch scientist Holstege used brain imaging to view the effects of ejaculation on the brain and discovered that the brain images were reminiscent of brain scans of those shooting heroin. His conclusion? We’re all sex addicts. It is only when we can successfully harness the more analytical part of the brain that we can control our sexual desire.7

Alas, porn producers see it as their job to insure that a porn user does not engage the analytical part of his brain. One way they do this is to use imagery that raises testosterone levels in the viewer. Testosterone tends to make one more lustful (testosterone raises dopamine, the craving neurochemical), more irascible, and less fully in control.8 Said one female-to-male transsexual who took testosterone in connection with a sex change,

I felt like I had to have sex once a day or I would die. ... I was into porn as a girl, but now I'm really into porn.

Porn images naturally raise testosterone, but domination themes increase it even more – perhaps because males are “rewarded” for striving for the alpha male position in a tribe, troop, or other group. Whatever the reason, the result is that domination themes in porn are as calculated as lacing cigarettes with extra nicotine; they make porn more addictive. (So are "risky" or "shocking" themes like anal sex and underage encounters. Both register as "super-stimulation" because of their shock value.)

'Boredom' signIt also appears that men have greater vulnerability to highly stimulating addictions. In a 2006 study men released markedly more dopamine than women in response to amphetamine.9 This helps explain why stimulating activities such as watching sports, off-track betting and violent porn hook men so easily.

It seems that evolution favored selection of the genes that encourage men to pursue things. Once upon a time those things were primarily game, status, territory and mates. Today's pursuits include ever-present “opportunities” such as video games, betting, porn-induced orgasms. Men are programmed to pursue something. If they aren’t out on the savanna, they will seek stimulation elsewhere. The traits that served our ancestors are now creating distorted outcomes, such as corporate greed (think of Rupert Murdoch) and invading Iraq.

This characteristic suggests that those who wish to recover from porn addiction need to keep themselves very busy and/or engage in a practice that promotes inner equilibrium, such as meditation, tai chi, sacred sexuality, and so forth.

Regaining balance

So what can men do? Here’s a report of a study that suggests that moderation protects the brain's vulnerable reward system.equilibrium10 When scientists fed rats sugar in a “binge pattern,” they found that within 10 days the rats had a measurable addiction to sugar. If they didn’t get it on schedule, they demonstrated actual physical withdrawal symptoms, such as tremors, chattering teeth and anxiety. The scientists equated that those symptoms with lower-than-usual dopamine levels (brought about by higher-than-usual levels when the rats were bingeing on sugar). The scientists noted that:

"Without these neurotransmitters, the animal begins to feel anxious and wants to eat sweet food again."

The rats exhibited behavioral changes even when sugar was replaced with the artificial sweetener saccharin. "It appears to be the sweetness, more than the calories, that fuels sugar dependence," says Hoebel.

Although researchers still don't understand how people can curb their sugar cravings, they do know that withdrawal symptoms and dips in dopamine levels aren't evident when meals are moderate and regularly scheduled.

These rats showed an addiction and withdrawal response to a substance as harmless, and indeed vital to existence, as sugar. (Sugars are present even in fruits, vegetables and grains.) It is the excess, not the substance, that sets up the potential for addiction.

Sex is as natural as sugar, but when we use it in a binge pattern, as many porn users do, then it has the potential for addiction. In one afternoon at the computer a man can view a cornucopia of erotica - more visual erotica than a hunter-gatherer ancestor would have seen in a lifetime. In short, a single afternoon of porn constitutes a binge from the primitive part of the brain’s perspective. Also note that the rats reacted to saccharine as if it were real sugar. Reward circuitry doesn't seem to be able to evaluate the differences between junk food sex and sex with a close, trusted companion, even though the latter has greater potential for a lasting sense of satisfaction.11

Finally, here’s a bit more science that points to why the cycle of high-dopamine-followed-by-low-dopamine can distort a porn user's thinking and leave him vulnerable to addiction. In 2006 scientists artificially lowered people’s dopamine levels and then tested them psychologically.12 Like addicts, they had difficulty resisting short-term rewards, despite long-term negative consequences. The control group, whose dopamine levels had not been lowered, had no such problems. The scientists described the affected subjects as suffering from

poor emotion-based decision making, characterized by shortsightedness, and thus difficulties resisting short-term reward, despite long-term negative consequences.

Again, intense over-stimulation of the reward center can lead to a drop off of dopamine, leaving one susceptible to the addiction cycle. Whether science formally labels the result an addiction, the underlying risk remains. The design of our brain's reward circuitry leaves us highly vulnerable to today's flood of junk food and junk visuals like porn. Both can affect us in a way that decreases our free will.

Withdrawal symptoms

Before leaving the issue of whether porn is addictive, let's consider these experiences:

  • A hundred porn viewers genuinely tried to stop viewing porn for two weeks. Over half were honest enough to admit that they failed.13
  • "My ex told me that he knew porn was an "addiction" for him. He used that term, and he said he wanted to stop and that because he couldn't porn had "ruined his life." He also showed me a scar from masturbating to the point of bleeding because he was unable to stop. stone carving of lust
    He said porn made him want to cheat all the time, and made him constantly fantasize about "nasty" sex with strangers, and young (teen) girls. The girls on some sites he viewed were so young that they did not yet have breasts.
    Pornography lead him to seek out in real life the graphic sex he was viewing online, and he ended up seeking escorts because of the ads that went along with the porn. He was also soliciting underage girls advertising their "adult" services online. He would ask them to participate in the illicit activities he'd seen online. He increasingly wanted to do what he saw, and he began treating all women like they were "submissive" (a big buzz word in porn and escorts ads) objects, including me.
    He would become agitated, irritable and mean when he could not look at porn because I was home, and he would become so angry and abusive due to frustration that I would unwittingly give him what he wanted by leaving. He would also abandon me places and run home and get online. He routinely had unprotected sex too - not thinking of reality or consequences like abortion, and STDs.
    I have spoken to many guys in various forums who claim that their main problem with porn is that they cannot stop even when they want to."14
    NOTE: If your partner is abusive due to porn use, and unwilling to heal his dependence, realize that you did not cause it, you cannot control it, and you cannot cure it. The first step is his, and you are not obliged to stick around until he takes that step. Often addicts can be helped best by hitting bottom as swiftly as possible. Your departure may help him awaken to what is actually going on in his life.
  • 'Now that he's stopped looking at pornographic websites, Josh's body is suffering from withdrawal symptoms. For the last two weeks, Josh says he's been getting headaches and feeling irritable and anxious. "You wouldn't expect this because, you think, 'It's material that you choose to look at,'" he says. "But, I mean, drugs are things that you choose to take." '15
  • "I'd like to stress that undergoing this cleansing process is not easy and as with most addictions, abruptly putting a stop to it results in some sort of withdrawal syndrome. I don’t know if anyone can relate to this but in protest to the discontinued sensual stimulation induced by porn, my body reacts by: vomiting, muscular tremors, profuse sweating, indigestion, constipation, the urge to throw rocks at passing cars, and death. Well not really death but something really close to it."16
I found this all extremely interesting... Going to the website has more information, and two other such 'myths'. Its interesting. 

I'm doing well today for the most part... I guess researching about porn addiction online can become dangerous in itself because your opening your mind to search engines and such... I try to stay away from Google thse days ;) I even changed it so my homepage isn't Google anymore and not another search engine. 

I'm just focusing on one day at a time. According to the article, it is when you start feeling sorry for yourself and you want to have that fulfilment part of the brain fulfilled- in our cases, porn. So if I can fulfill myself with other things, maybe start a new hobby and do it DAILY for an hour a day or something to really engrain that I don' twant that old 'porn hobby' I want a new hobby. I want something else, I want to change.

I think I can do it, I know I can. I will do it. With Gods help I know I can!

"Lord, I surrender myself too you, I know that I am at fault, I know that I want to change, give me the strength through your Holy Spirit and help me in ways I never imagined! Help me to change Lord through your strength and to give you all the glory! Amen."

God Bless. 



porn keyboard with P*O*R*N keys removed

And remember- if worse comes to worse we can always just take the keys off our keyboards:

Saturday 14 February 2009

Defeat

I feel pretty dumb about saying this, but today I messed up. I don't get it, I know so much about tthis problem, I understand my weaknesses and I totally have made up ideas to help me stay away from it and save myself. I just find this so difficult. Its really bothering me right now, mainly because in the heat of it, I just gave in and said nah who cares... Who cares... Why do I have to be 'good' why can't I just do what so many other guys my age do and enjoy myself... who cares... 

These lies decieved me. I feel quite bad right now about messing up. 

I need to take heart though, because its not over, I'm still here and I still have a strong motivation to quit. Sure, I messed up today, but that doesn't mean that I can't be strong tomorrow, and the day after. I need to make sure I don't get discouraged, because THAT is where problems arise. 

I read an interesting devotional, it was quite short, but I won't put it up here- 

The basics of it were this though:

The only way we can work through our sin and overcome it, is through God, and by the Holy Spirits power. But for God to help us, we have to fully commit our minds to him and to fully give our problem up too him and fully believe in His forgiveness, if we ask for it. I think that I am guilty of not really believe that God has forgiven me, and because of that it keeps Him and me apart from each other. Apart from each other through porn. Its really distressing actually to think about. The biggest problem in my life is keeping me from growing closer with the best thing in life. 

Anyway, I'm looking forward to tomorrow to go through another day, and to fight this, and to hopefully give myself up to God, day in and day out starting now. Realising my weaknesses is important, but not as important as fully commiting myself to Christ, and letting His power work in me, because that will not save me. I don't think that I can beat this with sheer willpower alone, I have a lot of that for other things, but this... this I need a higher power to help me.

I want to be able to look into His eyes, one day in Heaven, and for him to say to me "Well done, good and faithful servant!" (Matthew 25:23 NIV). I won't hear these words unless I give this up. You won't hear those words unless you give it up. No matter what we can do, we will be kept at bay from a deeper relationship with God with this problem in our life. 

God bless you guys, stay strong, hopefully my words here have helped in some way.

~continuing to fight. 

Friday 13 February 2009

Day 1

Day 1 ended well. 

I didn't have really any temptations or problems, I just ignroed the thoughts. It went fine though.

Today started out a bit tough. Also this morning I confessed my problem to a friend that I see daily- that way I have another step of accountability. So I'm hoping with building up a network of people that I can learn to trust and build myself a firm base for quitting. 

I started thinking, what is porn? Sounds strange doesn't it? But I came to this conclusion:

Porn is anything that excites us sexually, that is not actually sex, and something that we will go out of our way to see, or intentianlly look at. Like if I were to be going to a website, and for some reason that website had a bad add, if I closed the site, I would not consider that porn. If I dwelt in that add with pornographic images, then yes that would be looking at porn. Otherwise its not. 

I also think, going on with my last post, that reading about it is just as bad as porn. Maybe even worse because although a picture says a thousand words, stories can be engrained in our minds and our imaginations can take over, adapting those stories to yourself and even worse, potentially the people around you as you think about these little sexual fantasies.

Another thing in my battle is not so much pornography, but more masturbation.

I think that masturbation, being a chemical natural process, feels so good that it helps engrain that you 'need' porn on a day to day basis to get that sexual high from orgasm. 

I think that if I didn't masturbate for a long time, I wouldn't be thinking sexual thoughts, but also- I think that the urges to 'need' masturbation would be higher.

So I think in my instance the two play off each other. Masturbation = porn, porn = masturbation for me. My body likes getting more excited, from the porn, so the masturbation feels better. One without the other doesn't do it for me anymore... Which is bad. So I need to quit both instead of continuing with masturbation, just without porn. 

Maybe that doesn't make sense- but origionally I thought, porn is my only problem. I think masturbation is bad, at least for the most part, and that I need to quit both because regardless of how much I was able to convince myself origionally that it was fine. Its not fine because I am always thinking of hot girls when I masturbate- which fuels the thoughts for actually seeing them...

Thanks for reading my random thoughts! God bless

Thursday 12 February 2009

Day 15

This is kind of day 15 for me... Will explain.

My  last post was on January 28- today is February 12. Quite awhile since I've posted :)... 

Anyway, I posted two days before my trip, and on the day before my trip, I looked at two images and closed my browser. Really a dissapointment. But it was a failure. I thought about 'lying' and saying I was doing great, but what is that going to prove? All I am doing is lying too you and to myself, and it won't help me quit! 

Then I got back after a long time... I had some pretty intense temptations or rather getting a bit upset I couldn't look at anything but was glad I didn't have access :). I got back and didn't have any trouble the first day being home. The second day I had temptations and started thinking, erotic literature (sex stories)... thats not porn, is it? Well I convinced myself it wasn't and read like two stories just to get a sexual high... 

Anyway I've decided my brain loves that excitement and the feeling that I get from looking / reading / thinking. 

I was thinking that I wouldn't count reading about sex as looking at it. But I decided, its just another form to fulfill my 'want' and 'lust' for the thoughts and feelings. 

So I'll count this as day 1 if I can successfuly not look / read anything. I will also write every morning, after completing a full day. I generally don't have any problems in the evenings, but that is because I don't use the computer in the evenings. So that helps. 

Hmm this post isn't very coherant. lol 

To sum it up-

1) I have decided reading about sex, is just as bad as looking at it.
2) That means I failed and am starting over after 14 successful days. 
3) I'm aiming for 10 days free now. 

I have decided I will make, easier, simpler steps to fighting this. Instead of just saying 'I'm done' 'never again'. While those are somewhat true, and hopeful, its unreasonable. I know I'll fail and I kind of say well it doesn't matter, to heck with it, and I look. I need to change my thinking and become a totally different person overall. 

I plan on doing 10 days without looking, and just set a goal to mentally not look. I will write in the morning about my goals for that day, and how I did the day before. 

After my 10 days, which I hope I can achieve (I mean, c'mon, its 10 days, it can't be that hard). I want to go for another 10 days. So on and so forth. Making it a bit of a contest to just keep going without anything... 

In like 5 months I'm changing my life, I'm moving, going to be going to a different school etc etc, and I want to change by then. 

I know that during all that hecticness I won't have time and won't want to look. I'll just be in so much movement and so many new things to take in that I won't struggle. But I know that eventually it will come to a time where I will struggle, I want to be able to say, no! I want to be able to say, no matter what the situation, no matter how tempting, I can say no! God you have a plan for me, I've already witnessed it in my life, help me defeat this.