My last post was on January 28- today is February 12. Quite awhile since I've posted :)...
Anyway, I posted two days before my trip, and on the day before my trip, I looked at two images and closed my browser. Really a dissapointment. But it was a failure. I thought about 'lying' and saying I was doing great, but what is that going to prove? All I am doing is lying too you and to myself, and it won't help me quit!
Then I got back after a long time... I had some pretty intense temptations or rather getting a bit upset I couldn't look at anything but was glad I didn't have access :). I got back and didn't have any trouble the first day being home. The second day I had temptations and started thinking, erotic literature (sex stories)... thats not porn, is it? Well I convinced myself it wasn't and read like two stories just to get a sexual high...
Anyway I've decided my brain loves that excitement and the feeling that I get from looking / reading / thinking.
I was thinking that I wouldn't count reading about sex as looking at it. But I decided, its just another form to fulfill my 'want' and 'lust' for the thoughts and feelings.
So I'll count this as day 1 if I can successfuly not look / read anything. I will also write every morning, after completing a full day. I generally don't have any problems in the evenings, but that is because I don't use the computer in the evenings. So that helps.
Hmm this post isn't very coherant. lol
To sum it up-
1) I have decided reading about sex, is just as bad as looking at it.
2) That means I failed and am starting over after 14 successful days.
3) I'm aiming for 10 days free now.
I have decided I will make, easier, simpler steps to fighting this. Instead of just saying 'I'm done' 'never again'. While those are somewhat true, and hopeful, its unreasonable. I know I'll fail and I kind of say well it doesn't matter, to heck with it, and I look. I need to change my thinking and become a totally different person overall.
I plan on doing 10 days without looking, and just set a goal to mentally not look. I will write in the morning about my goals for that day, and how I did the day before.
After my 10 days, which I hope I can achieve (I mean, c'mon, its 10 days, it can't be that hard). I want to go for another 10 days. So on and so forth. Making it a bit of a contest to just keep going without anything...
In like 5 months I'm changing my life, I'm moving, going to be going to a different school etc etc, and I want to change by then.
I know that during all that hecticness I won't have time and won't want to look. I'll just be in so much movement and so many new things to take in that I won't struggle. But I know that eventually it will come to a time where I will struggle, I want to be able to say, no! I want to be able to say, no matter what the situation, no matter how tempting, I can say no! God you have a plan for me, I've already witnessed it in my life, help me defeat this.
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