Oh my gosh... why?

Gah, really mad with myself. I know its only 4 days, but maybe thats partly why I'm so mad. I was doing GREAT up untill like 20 minutes ago and then I just was like hmmm I'm bored. So bam I turned the computer on and looked at like two pages of Google images of some nudity. Its like what the heck? 

I quickly closed it of course... I felt horrible... Now I'm writing this. 

Its very frustrating. 

These next two weeks I won't really have time too look at pornography though, so that will be good. :) But its amazing how one can make time even if there is none -_-. 

So yep... Well... Starting again. 

March 13, 2009 <--- Friday <--- failed. 

I want to go until at least April and beyond but right now I'm setting my sights on April. That is only 18 days away. I know its possible. 18 days is nothing. I should easily do that. I just am too busy and too much too do to be wasting time on pornography. Plus its other bad side affects. I really need to change. I want myself to be a new man, a Godly man, a man that God can say, well done good and faithful. Well done.

'

*EDIT*

I want too add, I am going to try to avoid the use of computer, change where my computer is too  more centralized locaation. So I hopefully won't be posting. 

So until I post, I'm doing well :). If I post it will be because I failed or I'm just doing really well! :D 

So untill then, good luck. 

(Note, I considered not telling you guys... but then I realized the only person I'd be lying too is myself and thats not the way to quit!) 

Day 4

So well this week has gone amazingly fast and good. Monday I messed up, its Friday morning today. Tuesday-Thursday went fine, and am on Friday now and feel like I'm going strong. 

It sucks to start over, but I just gotta keep going and put this sin behind me! Stay strong readers.

God bless. 

The Sickening Aftermath

Why?! Why me? Those are the questions that are continually floating around in my mind. 

I just could not get the thoughts of sex, nudity and all that out of my mind... So on Day 22 I failed and looked at a few sex / nudity pictures for about 10 minutes. 

I just feel so sick right now... So incredibly beaten.... defeated... empty. There is no joy in this sin. For a brief instance there is, but it does not last. It is not rewarding! You have a brief euphoria of feelings and true happiness, but it is so temporal. It does not last... at all!

The feelings I feel right now are of just absolute emptiness. I just wonder, why does this have to happen to me? What is the point of this Lord? Why is that my normally very logical, thoughtful, kind, respectful mind is being brought to this level of immorality and sinful lust? 

Why can I not just say no? Why is it so addicting? 

Very frustrating to say the least. 

One 'good' point in all of this was that for once, in looking at it, I got shaky and felt very bad the whole time (similar to how I was when I first started looking a year back). I have not felt that shakey-ness or un-calm in such a long time. It was great to see that my body does not find it natural. Well its probably more excitement and I guess thats good too because it shows that I am not so desensitized to it anymore. 

Anyway, another 'good' thing is that I did not go to any porn sites. I went to Google image search and only looked at a few pages... But fact remains, I messed up. 

Gah, just very frustrating. 

One of the biggest things that I find annoying, is I have never downloaded videos, well for that matter never looked at porn vids period, I haven't spent hours doing it... Its always been very short maybe once a day 'periods'... And like why its so hard for me is surprising. I figured I shouldn't have a problem coming away from this considering I am so much 'less' of an addict than many others who struggle. 

Well there are my random thoughts. I'm not giving up. Never. I will start again afresh tomorrow. 

Day 21

At least I think its day 21, somewhere around there. 

Well I've been doing well - for the most part.

I've come close a few times, searching google images for provocative thigns like cheerleaders, bikini, models etc... And well that has kind of brought back the 'ole' memories and lusts. 

I did see a couple nude pictures but unlike many times before, I did not dwell nor did I start going to a porn site. It was just meh nudity and then moooving on. 

I'm not going to say I broke my streak, I have come close but nothing like going to a porn site, seeing sex, reading about it, watching it etc. 

So for the most part I'm happy. (and the above time where I saw nudity was just once by the way). 

If you think I should start over though, definitely tell me. :-).

I've been busy, and will be busy this upcoming week, really busy this upcoming week... So it should be good. But I also struggle when I am busy too because I get stressed and resort to porn. 

Its a difficult thing to get out of my mind. I really hate why we are attracted to girls! *sigh*

God has a plan in it all.

Day 17

Long time no post. But I think that is a good sign in some ways. 

I have completed 16 days of solid time away from pornography. This is the longest I have gone without pornography- whilst still using the computer on a regular basis / and or turning away from an urge! Its really amazing to see the change in my life from it. I am overall happier, more content, better in my work life, and gentler with family and friends. I do not feel the need to hide what I am doing on the computer, I can feel quite open about others being on the computer and not worrying about -did I erase my history and such. 

Its really great, but what I want to do is to remind myself, I have a weakness for porn, I have found that out over the past 8 months or so as I have struggled and culminated into this blog. 

I want to remind myself on Day 17 that I still am weak, that I can't become overconfident and that I still want to never go back to porn, I want to be a new man and I want to never have to struggle with this problem again. 

I think part of my success is just staying busy with work, friends, and avoiding lustful thoughts / masturbation. So that is all good! 

Anyway, I am continuing to pray for you if you struggle with this. 

God bless.