I just could not get the thoughts of sex, nudity and all that out of my mind... So on Day 22 I failed and looked at a few sex / nudity pictures for about 10 minutes.
I just feel so sick right now... So incredibly beaten.... defeated... empty. There is no joy in this sin. For a brief instance there is, but it does not last. It is not rewarding! You have a brief euphoria of feelings and true happiness, but it is so temporal. It does not last... at all!
The feelings I feel right now are of just absolute emptiness. I just wonder, why does this have to happen to me? What is the point of this Lord? Why is that my normally very logical, thoughtful, kind, respectful mind is being brought to this level of immorality and sinful lust?
Why can I not just say no? Why is it so addicting?
Very frustrating to say the least.
One 'good' point in all of this was that for once, in looking at it, I got shaky and felt very bad the whole time (similar to how I was when I first started looking a year back). I have not felt that shakey-ness or un-calm in such a long time. It was great to see that my body does not find it natural. Well its probably more excitement and I guess thats good too because it shows that I am not so desensitized to it anymore.
Anyway, another 'good' thing is that I did not go to any porn sites. I went to Google image search and only looked at a few pages... But fact remains, I messed up.
Gah, just very frustrating.
One of the biggest things that I find annoying, is I have never downloaded videos, well for that matter never looked at porn vids period, I haven't spent hours doing it... Its always been very short maybe once a day 'periods'... And like why its so hard for me is surprising. I figured I shouldn't have a problem coming away from this considering I am so much 'less' of an addict than many others who struggle.
Well there are my random thoughts. I'm not giving up. Never. I will start again afresh tomorrow.
I am sorry man. Sucks that you messed up, but you are on the right track with getting back up again instead of wallowing in your defeat, like I've done so many times. Good thing that you have not looked at porn vids though. Sucks when you look at porn for so long, then the same stuff just doesn't cut it, and you go looking for something more. I hope your next attempt goes better.
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